You know the one thing in a marriage that’s always destroyed after an affair?
Intimacy. That close, deep connection between two people is severed the moment one learns the other has committed an act of betrayal.
You see, the intimacy only comes when there are no barriers between you, and those barriers are lowered only when there is no fear of getting hurt. You have to trust your spouse completely to leave yourself that vulnerable.
After an affair, trust is shattered and the walls go up. You’re on one side; your spouse is on the other. There’s no intimacy.
That’s probably where you’re at right now, isn’t it? It probably seems like a hopeless place to be, but it isn’t. Not if you’re patient and willing to put your spouse’s emotional needs first.
After an Affair – The 9 Keys
This is what it takes:
Transparency – If you’re looking for help with infidelity, don’t keep any secrets from your spouse after an affair, even if unintentional. Make sure your spouse always knows where you are, what you’re doing, and with whom. Share your emails and phone calls, however innocuous. Answer any questions immediately and willingly, especially about the affair.
Honesty – Tell the truth always, even about little things. After an affair, you have zero credibility, and you have to earn that back. Any lie will only reinforce your spouse’s sense that you can’t be trusted. If you forgot to get milk at the store, cop to it. If you went to happy hour with your girlfriends after work, say so. Every time.
Reliability – Keep every promise you make to your spouse. This means the big ones, like not seeing your affair partner, and the small ones, like helping with the laundry. Broken promises will seem like just more lies after an affair. Do what you say you will. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
Understanding – Empathize with what your spouse is going through after an affair. Infidelity’s extremely painful and confusing to the betrayed spouse. Your spouse is dealing not only with that, but also with the fear of giving you a second chance. Be kind about it.
Accountability – Accept responsibility for your relationship trouble and your part in the affair. It might be that you felt driven to it by circumstances in your marriage. It’s OK to feel that way, but you still have to acknowledge the choice you made. Otherwise, your spouse will be left to wonder if you’ll feel justified doing it again.
After an Affair, More Key Steps
Security – Allow your spouse to feel relaxed and safe around you. That means controlling your temper, discussing instead of arguing, and thinking before you speak so you don’t say something hurtful or judgmental. Never make threats – like leaving, or going back to your affair partner – and never blame your spouse.
Patience – Give your spouse all the time it takes. Trust doesn’t grow overnight, so don’t expect your spouse to “get over it” and be ready for emotional or physical intimacy quickly. You’ll have to wait until your spouse is ready, so don’t push.
Flexibility – Be willing to do whatever your spouse asks of you. You might have to do things that make you uncomfortable, such as going to counseling or maybe even changing jobs. But remember, you’ve been the one setting the terms of your marriage by having the affair. Your spouse needs to be in control for a while.
Vulnerability – Be the first to open up. Tell your spouse how you feel. Ask for forgiveness. You may get rejected at first, but keep trying. Let your spouse see that you are willing to risk getting hurt.
Slowly, you’ll begin to earn back your spouse’s trust. Once you have that after an affair, you can begin to rebuild the intimacy that made your marriage in the first place. Surviving infidelity then becomes a steep hill and not the mammoth mountain that you climb.
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Article by Stan Sentavi
I have been through a betrayal that I thought would break me. It didn't. It made me stronger and more resolute. I am a wiser and a better person in the end. I now know the most important relationship you ever have is with yourself. Be responsible and demand the life you want. No excuses. No playing the role of "victim."
has written 87 awesome articles for us at InfidelitySurvivor.com
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
It is still possible to rebuild the trust and intimacy after infidelity. That is what experts have to say. But for me, someone who had this firsthand, It is really impossible to bring back the intimacy. I mean yes I can forgive but can never forget, we can still be civil or we can remain friends but the heartache will still remain. I do not hope for any reconciliation after infidelity.
Hi Stacy. Thanks for the visit and for the comment.
So much of this comes down to choice, I think. What works for one person, doesn’t work for someone else and vice versa.
I do believe a new beginning is possible at any point in our lives if we are creative enough and brave enough to seek it. But, that’s my personal view which may not work for everyone.
Relationships are interesting because they allow us an inner look at who we really are inside – not who wished we’d be, who we’d hope to be, but what we actually are. There’s a lot reflected there, to be sure.
I also think that there are times when the only choice left is to end the relationship. I know that happened to me. But, there’s something really exciting there as well. One door shuts and another opens. Destruction and creation walking side by side.
Again, I appreciate you stopping by and taking the time to comment.
All the best,
-Stan