That is the main thesis of this blog. Moving beyond betrayal and into meaning. But, what does it mean, exactly?
I’ll speak to this personally and what it means to me. You see when I started this blog it was because I had gone through my own personal drama. I had been on the down end of a cheating spouse, and I had experienced the whole gamut of pain and emotion.
{ 8 comments }
James Hollis is a wonder.
I have affectionately called him “Yoda Hollis.”
Listening to him speak is like listening to the voice of wisdom itself.
Chances are if you have found this blog you are undergoing a personal and emotional crisis. I wanted to put something right up front that I felt was going to be of immediate help to you. This interview with Hollis is almost a half hour long. It is worth the listen. If you can’t listen now, bookmark the site and come back and listen another time.
{ 7 comments }
How do you do it?
Is it even possible to recover what you’ve lost when a trusted partner betrays you?
When I discovered my wife was having an affair behind my back – and is there any other way to do it, I mean she wasn’t going to do ‘behind my front’ was she? – I was devastated.
I couldn’t sleep.
I think I went five or six days without eating.
I went through a really bad stretch where I lost track of my long-time friends, and where I could hear the whispers about my performance at work.
Even my relationship with my kids suffered.
I was no good to anyone at all.
How to Survive an Affair – The Train to Suck City
Dealing with the anger was particularly difficult. How could she do it to me? How could she do it to our kids, our family?
I was honestly afraid I could do some physical violence. It was a pretty scary time. I felt like I’d lost everything. I felt like something had gone that I would never be able to get back.
I was riding on the one-way train to Suck City, and all the lights were out.
When I did finally confess my situation to a few trusted friends, they tried to console me with a lot of different rationalizations.
“You didn’t do anything to deserve this.”
“This isn’t about you, it’s about her.”
“You find out about a person.”
Well, none of that came close to touching my pain. None of alleviated my heartache. There were no words that were going to teach me how to survive an affair. More than anything I felt isolated and alone.
The train to Suck City was a lonely ride.
I felt completely victimized.
Then one day I had a epiphany. I realized my wife didn’t do this to me. It was something we had created together. There were a lot of small choices I made along the way that contributed to the choice she made to have an affair.
Now, by no means was I going to shoulder the responsibility for her betrayal. That belonged squarely to her. But, I knew I had a hand in creating the relationship we came to share. I was moody and aloof. I spent a lot of time away from home and my family. Little by little, piece by piece it had a price, just as every choice does.
Ultimately what caused us to split and make the decision to divorce was the emotion and the hurt. I couldn’t get passed it. And, I came to realize what completely different people we had become.
I knew there was a piece of my heart that would always love her (that was tough to admit, even to myself). Truly. Madly. Deeply.
I also came to knew that it just didn’t work with us, and to keep trying was only going to bring us both more pain.
I don’t think that’s true for every couple, however. Not by a long shot. I do think it’s possible to re-connect and maybe even have a better relationship than the one before.
That is if both parties are willing.
If both parties are responsible.
I would warn anyone reading this: If you’re surviving infidelity and asking how to survive an affair know it is a process that takes time. Give yourself and your partner some space to discover thoughts and feelings that may have gone unacknowledged for years.
It’s a well-worn cliche’, but it’s true: Time has miraculous powers of healing.
In the end you’ll know if it’s right for the two of you to stay together. Every situation is different, every couple is different. Sometimes the only option is to face the death of the relationship.
There are worse things than death, that is for certain.
How to survive an affair? Take the journey inward that the universe is demanding you take. Face up to the hurt and be responsible for your life and the world where you live.
When you do, the trip to Suck City isn’t nearly as long.
*Sign up below for our FREE 33+ Page Report: “7 Telltale Signs of a Truly Reformed Cheater,” and Unlock the Truth Beyond the Words They Speak:
{ 7 comments }
How to apologize to your spouse: In a lot of hot water, huh? Let’s get these bases covered, and get you taken care of.
If done with depth and sincerity, the apology can pull your ass out of a lot of trouble. Done improperly, it is completely meaningless and can do real damage to your cause.
I’m sure you’ve met people who just refuse to apologize no matter the circumstances. It’s against their definition of self. I’ve met my share in my time. For some reason, a lot of them are attorneys, but that’s a topic for another day.
{ 2 comments }
Here’s a quick “help fix my marriage” tip for couples in marriage crisis: Listen. That’s the simple tip. But, unfortunately, it is not really all that simple.
When a partner betrays you, it is extremely difficult to listen to what they have to say. And, conversely, it may be just as difficult for them to say anything because of their embarrassment and shame. Who wants what they have hidden to be revealed? Who wants to acknowledge they’ve broken a sacred trust?
When you are betrayed every impulse you have is to emote. “How could you do this to me?” “What in the hell were you thinking?” “I could just kill you for this.” The wave of emotion that comes can be overwhelming, destructive even. It can do a lot of damage if you’re not careful.
But, once all that is passed – and it will pass – you are left with some really interesting questions that deserve answers if your relationship is to grow and change. Most couples going through a betrayal stick together after the affair is over. There are problems in the marriage, but at the end of the day, they really don’t want to give it up. It’s hard to walk away from a good chunk of your life.
So, then, what’s to be done when you’re looking for answers to the problem of: help save my marriage?
This is where the listening comes in. When you ask, “Why did you do it?” and you’re looking for the real motivation behind the act instead of passing judgment on your partner, there is a chance for your relationship to grow in ways you may not have imagined previously. But, you have to pay attention, and you may not like some of what you hear.
Then, after you have heard your partner, after you have really listened to them describe what has been going on inside of them all these past weeks and months, it is your turn to speak, and they have to fully listen to what you have to say.
I think that is fundamentally what is wrong with a lot of couples in our culture; they have lost touch with one another. They stop listening and eventually stop speaking. Many times, each person involved has lost touch with themselves along the way as well.
As difficult as all this is, it can also open the door to a new dimension in the relationship if both parties are willing to let go of the past and to enter a fresh new future. That is, if they are willing to really listen.
There aren’t easy solutions to the problem of “help fix my marriage” when you are surviving infidelity. But, a deep and active listening to your partner is a great way to start.
{ 2 comments }
