I’ve thought long and hard about my responsibility in the treachery that became my life. Did I help create the place for this betrayal to occur? Was there something in me that was at the root of it? As usual, what I discovered is not complete. Coping with infidelity is a complex matter, and I don’t know for sure. Maybe. Just maybe.
Now, I know full well I wasn’t responsible for the lies. I will not take ownership of those.
That property belongs to someone else. To lie full face to someone you know is in complete trust of you is an act I will never understand (self protection? a certain narcissism?). But, was there something in me empty that I looked for someone else to fill? Was I so out of touch with what was going on in me that it was impossible to know what was going on in another? And, where would any kind of real relationship exist in such a mess?
This I know: I fully participated in the calamity that was that was our life after all the sordid details came out. I continued it. I clung there. I allowed some of what is the worst about me to have a life, to breathe fire, and to hurt. For that I am responsible. Not she. Me. And, now I ask: why?
There are several romantic notions I once preferred. I was in love with her after all, right? She was “the one.” I had committed a certain vulnerability to her that I was not about to abandon. Right. And, then there were the kids. I had to hang on for them, to fight for the illusion that was our family. Actually, even before we began coping with infidelity, before the obvious signs of cheating began to appear, we had no family. Not in any real sense. But that is a topic for another entry at some point.
Coping with Infidelity or Living in Fear?
What I see now, what I’m thinking is that those were all excuses that allowed me to exist in fear. I was afraid. Afraid that all the dreams/images I had were false. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of those spaces in myself that have the great tendency to ring so hollow.
She was supposed to save me from that, from myself, wasn’t she? Isn’t that what love is? This magic person that comes and removes us from the responsibility we have to face ourselves and lives? To heal us and return us home where we are safe from the perils of the world?
Here is the key point in all this: Even before we were recovering from infidelity, was I asking her to do something for me I could not do myself? And, if so, who in their right mind would ever want that responsibility? Who wouldn’t run from it sooner or later? In one way or the other.
Coping with Infidelity: Good Intentions Are Not Enough
And, then I think of our individual families, from the places we both came. Geez. What chance did either of us have? There was an ocean that moved beneath us that neither was aware. And, despite our good intentions, despite what I know was a real and genuine affection, it eventually caught up with us. It was supposed to. It had to. Because it is the truth. What you really are must somehow manifest. And, in that dark, painful manifestation is the call to wake up and see what’s really there.
So, it comes to this: I was afraid and unwilling to face certain pieces of myself before I met her. And, I was afraid for much of the same reason when I felt the sting of her betrayal: I do not want to be alone. I am confused and do not want to hurt. Coping with infidelity allowed me to see that part of myself, at least. Perhaps I should be grateful.
What any of this has to do with being a real adult, being involved in a real, intimate relationship, I do not know. Maybe someday I will find out.
“Don’t dream it’s over.” Crowed House from the song of the same name.
*Sign up below for our FREE 33+ Page Report: “7 Telltale Signs of a Truly Reformed Cheater,” and Unlock the Truth Beyond the Words They Speak:
Article by Stan Sentavi
I have been through a betrayal that I thought would break me. It didn't. It made me stronger and more resolute. I am a wiser and a better person in the end. I now know the most important relationship you ever have is with yourself. Be responsible and demand the life you want. No excuses. No playing the role of "victim."
has written 87 awesome articles for us at InfidelitySurvivor.com
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Currently I am trying to survive the most painful and heartbreaking event of my 27 years of marriage. My husband has had a 5 month affair with a woman he met on Facebook. I have decided to stay in this relationship but wonder how much time it takes for healing to begin. Like the site, it helps me not to feel so ALONE in the world.
Pam, my heart goes out to you. Please know the wounds of this go deep. Recovery is a process. Be patient with yourself and with your ‘new’ relationship with your husband. I trust he has given you assurances the affair is dead and gone(?) For me, I became attached to the pain and found it difficult to let go and forgive. 27 years is a good chunk of anyone’s life to throw away, isn’t it? It makes me feel good to hear you say the site helps you not feel so alone. If I can ever do anything to help, you know where to find me.
D-day Oct. 30,2011
Divorce papers served 2 months ago today
Married 38+years
This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through but I am going to survive and I will be in a better place. The OW is also married so two marriages broken apart and grown children hurt. The best thing I have done for ME…I am seeing a psychologist and have gained so much in-sight after trying to do my healing alone for three months!
Sheilann, “I am going to survive and I will be in a better place.”
Wow. What a fantastic attitude to have. So glad to hear you are getting professional help. There’s no reason at all to go through this alone.
I’ve said on this blog previously that going through something like this is a journey into self, more than anything. You find out so much about yourself that you would not have known without the experience. It is painful, but it can end up being worthwhile and add depth to your life.
38 years is a long time, but you have so much more to contribute and to live. It very much sounds like you’re headed in the right direction.
Thanks so much for the visit to the blog and taking the time to contribute a little of your experience. You’re always welcome around here, Sheilann. Go get ‘em!
-Stan