How do I help save my marriage – that’s probably one of your biggest worries once you get past the shock of finding out your spouse has been cheating.
You’re feeling rejected and betrayed, already grieving for the loss of something that’s gone forever. Yet, you both still love each other and can’t imagine not being together. You want to try to recover from this.
Is that possible? Yes. Infidelity leads to divorce less than half the time. That means there are plenty of people in the same situation who decided, “I want to help save my marriage,” and then did it successfully.
It’s a process that takes work.
Help Save My Marriage: The 6 Steps You Must Take
1. Commit to saving your marriage. That might sound like a no-brainer, but the days, weeks and months ahead are going to be emotionally excruciating. You have to make up your minds now that you’re going to stick with the process, no matter what. Tell yourself, “I will help save my marriage.” Surviving infidelity takes a total commitment from both you and your partner.
2. Insist that your spouse end the affair. Ending it doesn’t just mean they stop sleeping together. It means they stop spending any social time together or communicating at all. If they work together, and it isn’t feasible for your spouse to make a job change, then they must limit their contact to only what’s absolutely necessary for work. No chit-chatting, no taking breaks together, nothing. You spouse must agree and commit to this.
3. Forgive your lying spouse. This is the toughest part. You’ve been wronged, and that resentment you feel is perfectly natural. You have every right to be angry and want to see your spouse punished. But if your goal really is to help save my marriage, then you have to let it go. Think of it like this: Forgiveness is the door through which everything else – including trust and intimacy – must pass. If that door’s closed, nothing will get through, and the two of you will not be able to move forward.
4. Define your expectations for each other. Trust is about knowing that your spouse is going to abide by certain expectations. Right now, that trust is broken. Before you can begin rebuilding it, you have to re-establish what each of you wants and needs from the other so that you both know what’s acceptable behavior and what isn’t. Don’t be vague, and don’t assume the other person knows. Voice your expectations clearly.
5. Identify the cause of the affair. Your spouse cheated for a reason, even if it wasn’t a good one. Maybe it was for that high that comes from a new romance, maybe to find something that’s missing in your marriage, or maybe just because there was an opportunity. Whatever the reason, you have to address it together, and you can’t start doing that until you know what it triggered the cheating. That means your spouse needs to be completely open and honest about what led to it – and you have to listen without being accusatory.
6. Seek counseling. Will this help save my marriage? Yes, it will. You’re going to have some problems communicating as you begin working on your marriage. There will be recriminations and defensiveness on both sides. That’s just a given. An objective third party can help mediate some of that. Besides, it never hurts to have someone you can talk to when you’re in pain. You can see a member of the clergy, a marriage therapist, anyone with some experience in these issues and who doesn’t have a stake in the relationship.
None of these steps are going to be easy to follow after you’ve discovered a cheating partner. When it seems like you just can’t do it, remind yourself that I love my spouse, and this is what I have to do to help save my marriage.
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Article by Stan Sentavi
I have been through a betrayal that I thought would break me. It didn't. It made me stronger and more resolute. I am a wiser and a better person in the end. I now know the most important relationship you ever have is with yourself. Be responsible and demand the life you want. No excuses. No playing the role of "victim."
has written 87 awesome articles for us at InfidelitySurvivor.com
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
How do you ever begin to forgive someone who has broken the vows they made to you? Even if you want to?
Lila, is forgiveness a conscious choice? Is that where it starts?
I believe it vitally important in any relationship of betrayal that the anger get fully expressed. If it can get expressed, the chances of the relationship surviving and forgiveness becomes a much easier road.
But, there are no guarantees. The relationship has a life of its own, a part from the two people involved. However, I do believe forgiveness starts with a conscious choice. Begin there, and see where it takes you.