If you’re having problems with a spouse or loved-one, and seeking help with infidelity, perhaps you’ll find this story of interest.

I recently ran into an old friend at a party. She had the extreme ill-fortune of having her daughter killed by drunk driver this time last year. She (her daughter) was only 28 years-old and left behind a 5 year-old boy.

As Emma (my friend) spoke I could still see the pain etched in her face. The time since the tragedy had done nothing to touch it.

She pulled out some newspaper clippings from her purse to show me. There was a photo of her daughter’s car. It was a mangled mess of metal and broken glass. Nothing could have survived that collision. I quickly read through the article.

When I looked up Emma’s eyes were full of tears. “It just doesn’t make any sense. If she had waited just one more minute that night…”

I’ve thought of Emma many times over recent days, and the pain we endure throughout our lives. I have never lost a child. I cannot begin to even imagine the extreme agony must be involved with it. Having three children, I never want to go through it. Honestly, I do not know if I could.

I have thought how many times Emma must have played out the events of that tragic night, going over each and every detail time and time again. And yet, it leads nowhere. Her daughter is irrevocably gone. Nothing will ever bring her back. But, what is one to do? How do you move beyond the pain?

Help with Infidelity; How Much Pain Is Enough?

I would not compare the loss of the child with the betrayal of a spouse or intimate partner and coping with infidelity. But, if you are seeking help with infidelity, you know pain is pain, however intense and lasting. And, I do know once it arrives it becomes hard to let it go. There seems to be a seeking of an answer, as if we can find the proper one, the pain will somehow be alleviated.

But, all too often that chase is circular, the mind spinning endlessly, never moving or accomplishing anything, stuck in the groove it has hollowed out for itself. And, when we look up, years have passed. Years we never intended to lose. How far down the rabbit hole do you follow the lying spouse?

How often in your life have you seen someone anchored to a pain they cannot get beyond? One of my oldest and dearest friends had his father killed in a car accident when he was just 12 years-old. Even though several decades have gone by since, in many ways my friend is still emotionally that 12 year-old boy, confused and searching for the lost father. The pain has never been processed. It still lives vibrantly inside him.

Help with Infidelity & the Ending of Grief

To speak personally, I know I have been anchored to a pain I do not understand and have been unable to move beyond. Do I enjoy it? No, I do not. Is it a habit? Yes, perhaps it is. Do I find security in my pain? Yes, I think I do. Do I want to leave it behind and claim a larger life? Absolutely, I do.

I do not think it is possible to say when grieving should come to an end. It is as individual as the person involved. But, to live, to fully live, it does have to come to an end. And, perhaps through that grief a wider space comes to hold our being.

I do know our lives are finite. They do not stretch out forever. The day is precious, something to not be lost.

Once again, I have no answers if you’re seeking help with infidelity. Just questions that point to larger life. Today I’m thinking that “choice” plays a bigger part of our lives than we ever know. But, that looks to be a topic for another day.

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Tagged as: coping with infidelity, help with infidelity, lying spouse