How To Survive An Affair
How do you do it?
Is it even possible to recover what you’ve lost when a trusted partner betrays you?
When I discovered my wife was having an affair behind my back – and is there any other way to do it, I mean she wasn’t going to do ‘behind my front’ was she? – I was devastated.
I couldn’t sleep.
I think I went five or six days without eating.
I went through a really bad stretch where I lost track of my long-time friends, and where I could hear the whispers about my performance at work.
Even my relationship with my kids suffered.
I was no good to anyone at all.
How to Survive an Affair – The Train to Suck City
Dealing with the anger was particularly difficult. How could she do it to me? How could she do it to our kids, our family?
I was honestly afraid I could do some physical violence. It was a pretty scary time. I felt like I’d lost everything. I felt like something had gone that I would never be able to get back.
I was riding on the one-way train to Suck City, and all the lights were out.
When I did finally confess my situation to a few trusted friends, they tried to console me with a lot of different rationalizations.
“You didn’t do anything to deserve this.”
“This isn’t about you, it’s about her.”
“You find out about a person.”
Well, none of that came close to touching my pain. None of alleviated my heartache. There were no words that were going to teach me how to survive an affair. More than anything I felt isolated and alone.
The train to Suck City was a lonely ride.
I felt completely victimized.
How to Survive an Affair – My Epiphany
Then one day I had a epiphany. I realized my wife didn’t do this to me. It was something we had created together. There were a lot of small choices I made along the way that contributed to the choice she made to have an affair.
Now, by no means was I going to shoulder the responsibility for her betrayal. That belonged squarely to her. But, I knew I had a hand in creating the relationship we came to share. I was moody and aloof. I spent a lot of time away from home and my family. Little by little, piece by piece it had a price, just as every choice does.
Ultimately what caused us to split and make the decision to divorce was the emotion and the hurt. I couldn’t get passed it. And, I came to realize what completely different people we had become.
I knew there was a piece of my heart that would always love her (that was tough to admit, even to myself). Truly. Madly. Deeply.
I also came to knew that it just didn’t work with us, and to keep trying was only going to bring us both more pain.
I don’t think that’s true for every couple, however. Not by a long shot. I do think it’s possible to re-connect and maybe even have a better relationship than the one before.
That is if both parties are willing.
If both parties are responsible.
How to Survive an Affair – A Warning
I would warn anyone reading this: If you’re surviving infidelity and asking how to survive an affair know it is a process that takes time. Give yourself and your partner some space to discover thoughts and feelings that may have gone unacknowledged for years.
It’s a well-worn cliche’, but it’s true: Time has miraculous powers of healing.
In the end you’ll know if it’s right for the two of you to stay together. Every situation is different, every couple is different. Sometimes the only option is to face the death of the relationship.
There are worse things than death, that is for certain.
How to survive an affair? Take the journey inward that the universe is demanding you take. Face up to the hurt and be responsible for your life and the world where you live.
When you do, the trip to Suck City isn’t nearly as long.
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How To Survive An Affair
Article by Stan Sentavi
I have been through a betrayal that I thought would break me. It didn't. It made me stronger and more resolute. I am a wiser and a better person in the end. I now know the most important relationship you ever have is with yourself. Be responsible and demand the life you want. No excuses. No playing the role of "victim."
has written 87 awesome articles for us at InfidelitySurvivor.com
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for this article, and the site, too. I discovered a couple of months ago my husband was cheating on me and its broken me in two. He’s begging me for forgiveness every day but I just don’t know what I want to do yet. Anyway thanks for helping some of us not feel so much alone.
Jenna, know that this a process and takes time. You don’t have to have all the answers right now. Sort through it all and see what’s there. The main point: Can you stay in the relationship and maintain a sense of self-respect and dignity? Is the affair really over, and do you believe your husband is being genuine with you now? I’ve put together a free report that may help you sort through some of this. You can take a look here: 7 Tell-tale Signs of a Truly Reformed Cheater. Thanks for your visit to the blog and for taking the time to leave a comment.
All the best,
-Stan
I’m on other end of all this. Don’t know even where to begin. Since Halloween I’ve been having an affair with one of husband’s best friends. Please don’t think I’m a slut, I’m not. I don’t even know how it happened. To make a long story short his friend made a pass at a party and a week later we were in bed together. That how quick everything has gone. What have I done? His friend is now giving me the cold shoulder and all he can talk about is we can’t let my husband ever know. I’ve made a huge mistake but what do I do? End it and never hope my husband finds out? Tell him everything and face the hell that will follow and hurt him like that? I wish I could go back to October and redo all of this. I don’t think I can stand to break my husbands heart with the truth. It will change our lives forever.
anyone home???
L&C, For the love of God, get professional help! Now!
That said:
You can’t un-do what’s been done. You start with where you are and go from there.
It sounds like you still find your relationship with husband meaningful. What’s best for that relationship, given the circumstances? End the affair immediately. No “if’s and’s or but’s.” Emphatically communicate to your husband’s friend that the relationship is over.
After that?
And, whom are you really protecting here? Your husband? The “friend?” Yourself?
I’ve found any attempt to avoid pain is an invitation for it to have a life. When we “avoid,” we begin living a life in the shadows. To me, that is the definition of “fear.” Once fear has an entry into your life, it can consume it.
You can choose NOT to tell your husband about all this – that would probably be the easiest path to take, for NOW -, but what if he finds out from another source? The truth has a way of finding us eventually, no matter how long it takes.
Doesn’t he deserve the truth and to know the quality of this relationship with his “friend?”
If you come clean, afterwards, your energy can be spent living in the light and re-constructing your life. I think that to be a great alternative to the energy it takes to hide out.
Certainly, it will hurt your husband to find out a friend of his has been in bed with his wife, but hearing it from you and hearing it from other will have a tremendous impact upon him in the end. Hearing it from you is the first step to having him respect you and to be able to trust you again. And, it sounds like that is still very much important to you.
None of this is going to be solved for you tomorrow, or next week or next month. You’ve entered a long process with a lot of stuff to get sorted out.
As I said up above, find a competent therapist in your area and start seeing them immediately. Maybe you can talk your husband into going with you as well, if that is the path you choose and this all comes to light.
And, I don’t think you to be a “slut.” There are a thousand reasons why we do something. Much of that falls beneath the level of our awareness. This betrayal is a call for you to dive beneath the surface and take a look at what’s been going on down there and in the relationship with your husband.
Thank you for providing the most interesting blog comment I’ve had yet.
-Stan
A big thank you for your blog.Thanks Again. Really Cool.
Awesome blog.Much thanks again. Want more.