If you are currently undergoing relationship trouble of one sort of another, what would you say if I asked you what was the most important relationship in your life?
Interesting question, I think.
If you have been married or involved with someone for a number of years, I think it only natural you would say your spouse or significant other. This is the person you have shared your life and the most intimate parts of your being. They know you, and you know them. There is an entire tapestry of memories that constitute the life you have lived. It is a testament that you have been here on this earth; that you have been alive.
But, is there a more basic relationship that is easily and often overlooked when seeking help with infidelity? I think there is. That would be the relationship one has with oneself. And, this relationship is taken for granted all too often.
Relationship Trouble: Slip-Sliding Away
When couples begin to experience relationship trouble and begin to drift apart, there seems to be a tremendous lack of awareness that is taking place, both in the relationship and in themselves. The years have a way of doing that. You have heard it all before, seen it all before. Life becomes, for lack of a better term, “automatic.” We fall asleep to each other, and in that space it is easy for something to get lost that we hold dear.
How can you know what is going on inside of someone else, when you have no idea at all what is going onside yourself? I think it is this lack of relationship that may (emphasis on “may”) be the beginnings of the betraying heart.
There is no secret: life is hard. It comes always to take the best of what is in you away. It plays no favorites. After a few years, the once mighty oak is nothing but a nub.
You “fall in love,” you get married, have children and handle all the responsibility that is thrown your way. You have work and school, bills and endless obligations to meet. You get swallowed to the point you do not even really feel you are alive anymore. And, more than anything, we all want to feel alive, that our lives are important, that we matter. That is the meaning we all seek. The river always flows to the sea.
If you see signs of lying from your partner and feel like you may being, your first impulse will be highly reactive and emotional. Who would not? But, at some point, you will want to find the space to ask yourself some basic questions.
“Who am I? Why am I here? What do I want the rest of my life to be?”
Relationship Trouble, Should I Stay or Go?
I had an English professor in college that once told me that every problem we face in life comes down to one fundamental question: should I stay or should I go? (Apologies to The Clash). All these years later, I am not sure it is not true.
These questions can only be answered, I think, when you are in relationship with yourself. And, if that has been lost through the years of a union and/or marriage, what has been the point, really? Can pain be the calling to a larger life? In essence a pointer to something you have been missing?
I was asleep, but now I am awake. This pain has made me alert to this place, this time, to now. I’m no fan of the dreaded “blessing in disguise,” but could “relationship trouble” be just that?
No matter what has gone on, no matter how badly your heart may have been shattered, no matter what signs of cheating you are seeing, you are not done. You still have a life to live and choices to make. And, no matter what relationship trouble you may be facing, the road out of this goes through you. Not “around,” but “through.” And, there’s something immensely beautiful about that.
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Article by Stan Sentavi
I have been through a betrayal that I thought would break me. It didn't. It made me stronger and more resolute. I am a wiser and a better person in the end. I now know the most important relationship you ever have is with yourself. Be responsible and demand the life you want. No excuses. No playing the role of "victim."
has written 87 awesome articles for us at InfidelitySurvivor.com
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Love this article. Not what I was expecting to read here at all. Very nicely done. Accountability is always difficult. I believe thats what your getting at there.
JoAnne, yep. Blame. Being victimized. In the end, so what? Don’t ever allow anyone to make a doormat out of you. Not even a partner with whom you’ve shared intimacies. Set boundaries in your world and back them up with action.
Easy? Pain-free? No. Not by a long shot. But, it infuses your life with integrity. And, when you get to the end of the day, it’s so much easier to look in the mirror.