Perhaps the hardest part of being on the bad end of a betrayal (is there a good end?) is the slipping into victim mode. If you’re going to survive an affair (or any act of infidelity) there is a fine line between the natural, initial confusion, anger and resentment and moving on to take up residence in Pity Town. Take it from me, the town Mayor. Elected for successive terms, I might add.
I distinctly recall a conversation I had with a dear friend while in the throes of my pain and anguish. She listened patiently for the umpteeth time as I droned on about how I had been wronged, how unfair it all was.
“You’re turning to the prototypical victim, and it isn’t very becoming.”
She was right. There was a certain indulging I enjoyed, re-hashing all the events that lead to my broken heart, well beyond what was needed to survive an affair. It was as if I was seeking an answer in those stories, rummaging through the images, looking for a piece of something to help me understand. Which is understandable. Up to a point.
I was also seeking to express my pain, to get it out and gone. But, I think, sometimes a pain comes so deep it cannot get out, it cannot be expressed. Not fully any way. It becomes a stagnant pool. It binds you to a place and time, and there is no movement to life. Who suffers the most in all of this? It isn’t the the cheating partner, that is for sure.
Survive an Affair: A Baseball Analogy
One of my favorite baseball players is Scott Rolen of the Cincinnati Reds. Back when he was a younger player in Philadelphia, he was hit by pitch thrown by Hideo Nomo of the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Without any histrionics, no charging of the mound, no firing of his helmet at the pitcher, without a word, he trotted, head down, to first base.
A week later in Los Angeles, Rolen faced Nomo again. Again Nomo hit him with a pitch. And, again Rolen trotted down to take his base without incident.
When the game was over Rolen went to the Dodger Clubhouse, knocked on the door and asked to speak to Nomo. He waited patiently, and the Dodger pitcher finally arrived.
“This will not happen again.”
And, that was all that was said. Rolen turned and left. To my knowledge it did not happen again.
This may be poor analogy to what I’m discussing, but I’ve always remembered the Rolen story. He didn’t seek the sympathy of his teammates. He didn’t incite. He didn’t create a stage filled with false drama. He went directly and communicated what was on his mind, what it was he wanted, and he left. Scott Rolen is no victim.
Anyone has encountered signs of lying and is dealing with infidelity and who is looking to survive an affair is going to be knocked off course. Some for longer periods than others. But, to live there in that betrayal, long after the cows have come home, well, who is it that pays the biggest price?
Don’t you want more? Don’t you deserve more? And, what happens when you’re surviving infidelity, and you realize you are the one solely responsible for making that happen?
What choices do you make?
“In my dream I was drowning my sorrows, but my sorrows, they learned to swim” – U2 from the song “Until the End of the World”
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Article by Stan Sentavi
I have been through a betrayal that I thought would break me. It didn't. It made me stronger and more resolute. I am a wiser and a better person in the end. I now know the most important relationship you ever have is with yourself. Be responsible and demand the life you want. No excuses. No playing the role of "victim."
has written 87 awesome articles for us at InfidelitySurvivor.com
